Today is the 29th October. I went to watch This Is It.
What a heartwrenching tribute! Or a remembrance. Or a gift to the fans. As I was offered (and grabbed at) a rare glimpse into the other side of a genius, I realised I couldn't cry. I was too busy being blown out of my mind; too busy staring in awe at such a wonderful musician; to even shed a tear.
And yet, I felt him with me. I saw him in the trees, with the birds. I saw his soul flutter like a butterfly. I saw him, in the clouds, presenting to me the vision of a hand-held paradise.
Who is this man? He does not seem to be the crooner who seduced me with Human Nature. Not the superstar who made millions faint with his legendary Moonwalk. He seems to be all this and more: an artist with a brilliant mind. Most of all, a man with a soul and a heart. He makes others look like caricatures.
'... Like Dancing in the Moonlight.." Oh, but isn't that a reference to me, Michael?
I sat there, mesmerised, as he taught them how to feel a song. Oh yes, they were the best of the best backup dancers, background singers and music directors. But only this man, Michael Jackson, could teach them how to feel a song deep inside their souls.
His smiles, his comic gestures, his voice: they lit up the screen and jumped out at me. My heart was reaching out to touch him. I couldn't move a muscle: I was just like a child- staring wide-eyed at all that magic, and fearing that if I moved, that magic would be gone.. I wondered if people could ever replace him. Would anyone ever be ableto recreate the magic that Michael pioneered? It was easy to brush those thoughts away.
In my mind, I screamed, "NEVER!!" in an answer to those questions. But then my heart found it easy to eradicate those thoughts. In my heart, it was more than easy to deny, more than easy to believe that Michael is still here. That he exists still.
In that moment i felt my pain at this loss. This inexplainable pain. But somewhere deep inside my soul, i knew it was true. Michael has gone nowhere. For I am a part of him; and if he should be gone, I would cease to exist.
I kept waiting to cry, but somehow I couldn't. I wouldn't miss a second of this glorious chance i have been given to be so close to him. Unable to take my eyes off the screen, I spent the whole time gaping. I was waiting for him to reach out his hand and grab mine to take me along with him.
And suddenly, it ended. The movie just ended. The magic was over. What was I to do now? I couldn't get up, I felt so heavy inside me. I felt frustration, tears threatening to flow. Like the rest of the world, i filed out of the theatre in a daze after the last of the last credits had rolled. Up to now, I cannot describe that feeling of pain in me.
Up to now I am desperate, desperate to hold on to just a little bit of him that would help me spend my life in his memories.
I glance up to the sky and my Lone Star twinkles back in a shade of pink: of love. He is telling me what I already know, and my heart beats back in these words. With You, With You, With You.
"Because I love you, Michael, and admire you spiritually, because I see all the things you did as things that only an instrument of God can do, I love you even more, and through you, and through the Godly deeds that you did, I love God.
And so, Michael, this is true, soulful Love."
- Mood:
grateful
- Mood: grateful
We’re not ungrateful, because we know how hard you work to earn money. And you provide us with a place to stay in, food to eat, etc.
But if you ask yourself honestly, is the money you earn really for us? Can you touch your heart and say so? I think no. Yes, we have to be thankful that we aren’t starving or homeless. But should we? How much of it is a FAVOUR to your family, and how much of it is a DUTY?
We did not ask to be born. And no, just because— too bad we were born, we shouldn’t have to be begging you for everything. It is not a sin that we actually exist and we have needs. For I know deep down within yourself you’re regretting us.
I do not appreciate your making comments on my eating habits. All my life I’ve tried to achieve your approval. Through studies, general knowledge, etc. But all you see is a fat and ugly girl. One whom you never trusted, one you’ve intimidated and ignored.
“Fat” and “Ugly” are words even I never use to hurt others’ feelings. And I would never do that to my own child. Yes, as a parent, you know me well. Too well. You know just the right words to say to hurt my feelings, and have known them for twenty years.
Do you not feel guilty?
I’m appalled by your audacity to act with such irresponsibility and yet criticize the rest of the world. Please. Go up to the mirror and take a look at yourself. Then take a look at the rest of your family. Your children are growing up. 2 of them have grown up. And you’ve not taught them to hug you when you get home.
Look at the longing in their eyes, when they see something that is important to them, and their hand lingers on it.
Then, ask yourself truthfully, if a bottle of whiskey everyday truly gives you as much pleasure as the happiness in their eyes when you give something they wanted to them, as a present.
Don’t let this go on, Life isn’t just about yourself. Don’t hurt your family and children just like you did to your own parents.
One fine day, you’ll have to go.. Just like the rest of us. And you will wonder if you have given enough to the people who love you.
But for now, the disappointment sinks in, colder than cold can ever be.
- Mood:
crushed
It's here!
Happy Birthday MJ. And I really mean it. Like I always tell people.. Birthdays should only be celebrated when someone means something to you.. Not just because it is someone's birthday.
See, Michael? The whold world is thinking of you, some crying, some happy because they know you can't hurt anymore, and every single one of your fans is missing you terribly.
You're still here with us, see? (:
So many thoughts are going through my mind, i just don't know how to put them all on paper. So why this entry for you? Why do i love You?
Because you are You.
Because I positively didn't know the meaning of 'love' till i really saw you.
Because your songs are terrific, beautiful, angry and sad.
Because no one ever looks right imitating your moves.
Because you brought the world together during times that we were all slowing growing apart with hate and resentment of differences.
Because you know that happiness is in giving.
Because you showed the world that we are all you in a way.
Because you love children.
Because you, like me, have a habit of placing others' burdens on your own back.. And that is really a great thing.
Because you were only 13 when you started protesting wars in your heart.
Because Peace is Michael.
Because you were an angel on earth.
Because I know how it feels to hurt.
Because you taught me what is true.
Because you were a great entertainer.
Because you are a great father.
Because you are a great brother and son.
Because you are a great friend.
Because you really care.
Because from wherever you are, you do love me.
"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave it knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with."
And you're missed over and over, every single day. You see? there are so many hearts that feel your impact. Even those who've long forgotten you are coming together now, wishing you were here.
Michael, I've gone through this world long enough, feeling numb, and you have opened me up to the world again. Can i ever thank you enough for that?
"Let us dream of tomorrow where we can truly love from the soul, and know love as the ultimate truth at the heart of all creation."
You know how I feel, this thing can't go wrong,
I'm so proud to say I love You.. (:
I'm dot number 5371. ^_^
Love and Forgive.
- Mood:
and peaceful.
www.supportjacksonportrait.com/index.php
Michael's birthday is almost here.. and David Ilan wants to draw a unique portrait of Michael..
By dots.
All the info is in the link I posted (for those who want to be a part of this)
They need 250,000 'Yes's for this portrait to be drawn.. (: hope they get it, cuz the last day is 28th Aug *prays*
I miss MJ and have done my part.. Wish I could contribute more though. Maybe donate or buy t-shirt?? DEBIT CARD!!! HMMPF.
It's a day to laugh, cry, celebrate and miss.
Quote by David Ilan: Behind every single dot I place on the canvas, there is a fan who loved Michael and is mourning his death. It is very fitting that the portrait of Michael will be created by dots representing his FANS. Michael loved and respected his fans as much as his fans love and respect him. I am honored to be the person who is helping bring his fans together again, but I am just the instrument. I only add dots when people join the project, so it is really the fans who are creating the portrait by coming forward. It was because all of you came together that Michael was able to be who he was, and it is because all of you are coming together now that Michael's image will be created.
Read his full statement here: http://www.supportjacksonportrait.com/ar
This is all beginning to look very beautiful. Looks like my tears will be out this saturday.
Love and forgive.
- Mood:
indescribable
I woke up one day to miss you.
Head splitting realization.
One eye blind,
Half-hearted beat.
Where do the tears come from?
She asked the trees, the birds,
Innocence and the moon.
Where has happiness gone?
Solitude was the key, she thought,
Make it all go away.
Then it burst in her heart
Then it wrenched out her soul.
What was heartache?
What is loss, what is death?
The soul was her rag,
He wrenched out her dirt in tears
Of a deep dark pit
So she suffered.
Her body a caricature
Well of hurt and desire.
And then you came,
Love in words,
Eyes beyond clouds
Moon of my self –
Pain and anguish are reason to give,
Music the touch of sea.
Angels, be left as you are!
We’re coming, coming to hold.
What is heartfelt?
What is love, what is joy?
My angel taught me peace.
To live and to give.
My angel taught me love
To cry, to split open.
To feel.
This is my vow to you
She puts her heart on her sleeve.
This is my vow to you.
And her soul in her eyes.
Heaven or hell,
Yes or no,
Right or wrong,
Truth behold.
Love is a light,
Love is the air
Love is force that makes lives live.
Love is man
Love is child
Love is you in me..
And love shall be so for eternity.
Wait for me.
I haven't been writing for a long time, this was the best i could come up with. Hope to get better. AJA Meena!! (=
- Mood:happy, sad, empty, full
Meet Your Soulmate
You can do it in 30 days
Mix it up
If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you've got. One of the challenges of being single for an extended period of time is that sometimes you build a life that keeps you single! You get used to a safe predictable routine. You always go to the gym at the same time. You always walk your dog at the same time. You see the same faces at the grocery store. If you want change, you have to make a change. So, shake it up - completely! Each day for 30 days, change one thing. Shop at a different store, walk your dog in a new dog park or get a guest membership at a gym across town. Many have one-week trial memberships, and yes, you may have to sit through a sales pitch - but hey, your soulmate might just be the gym trainer sitting right in front of you.
Don't say no
If a friend asks you to go to a soccer match and you don't know anything about soccer, go anyway! You might just meet the perfect person to explain the game to you - sitting one seat over. Go to parties or gatherings you may not have been open to in the past. Try lectures on things you know little about. It's the best way to open up your circle, and make sure you're open to new things. Now that's sexy - and it will get you noticed.
Yup! It's just that simple. As you are trying out your alternative soulmate-search lifestyle, look up and all around you. At this new grocery store that you have never shopped in before, look at the layout. Pick up items and really look at them before you toss them into your basket. People who are fully engaged in their tasks look interesting to others. In other words, get present in your space. It's all brand-new, and so is your outlook. Look up to remind yourself to keep your chin up - and to see who else is shopping. If you do catch the eye of someone attractive, don't just shut it away in your mind. Wander a little closer, and give them a chance. Things may just be... looking up.
Be intentional
Our lives are created through our intentions. We say we want to meet our soulmates, but is that our true intention? The days fill up with tasks and errands, work and obligations. Without some deliberate intentions we are reduced to life as worker bees, only focused on the task, unaware of the entirety of our efforts. So every morning, when you wake up, say this out loud so you can hear your voice and align your energy with your desire, "It is my intention to meet my soulmate within the next 30 days. Bring me to the exact right place at the exact right time, and show me clearly who this is. I trust."
If meeting your soulmate were an exact science, it wouldn't be the inspirational journey that it is. And your soulmate is out there. In fact, people fall in love all over the world every day. So, start again, start fresh and let the universe hear your heart's desire. Get specific, and see what the next month holds for you!
well, we shall see. So anyone! have any soccer games coming up? I admit i'm still a bit n00b at it ;)
- Mood: amused
King of Pop, Rock and Soul.
It hurts me that not many are bothered,
While he bothered about the world so very much.
He doesn't deserve this death,
Not so young,
His was talent that changed the world
His was a heart that wept for it.
Cannot believe the amount of sorrow that wrecks me.. I can't smile or laugh, I'm devastated, devastated by this.. =( God why'd you have to bring him back?
I believe that most of us cry for him now because of regret.. Regret that they didn't appreciate him more when he was alive. We took it for granted that there was a good soul in the world who'd sing for peace and beauty. But now? Can anyone match up? The man fought back all hurt and let downs just to fulfill his dream. But people were so petty.. They talked about his skin colour.. About his nose.. About his sexuality. Was that the important thing here?
We are all connected deep within our souls.. All interlinked creations of God. And when Michael died, a part of myself died. A part of my dreams died, A part of my talents died. That is what causes the pain.. That brings forth the tears.
I'm so bothered by the fact that not many even said goodbye to him.. That hurts, because this wasn't a normal man. He wasn't! He was an angel, unique and beautiful. He was an amazing, amazing man. I'm angry that they're not letting him be at peace even now.
I miss him so much.. But I know i'll see him again.. He was an idol in many many ways.
So now 'll just sit down and wait for the ten 'o' clock report, because that's pretty much all i can do. I'm unfortunate indeed, i wish i could've been there when he needed someone. I'll wait and pray that in another time i'll get to meet this beautiful, beautiful soul.. that would be the meaning for my soul.
I miss you.
- Mood: sad
I cannot believe he's gone. Hajar's words: King of Pop.. gone forever.
I will never see him.. on stage.. on the news.. Never again.
Funny how it comes as a big loss even to me, who wasn't his die-hard fan.
Really don't know how to start.. Like the millions of others from my generation, I grew up watching him.. In my young eyes he was like a hero, a magnificent dancer who held magic in his feet. I thought no one could match up to him, and really believed that it don't matter if we're black or white.
It hurts to think how life is so unpredictable. It hurts to know that people didn't return much to the man who has helped heal the world in certain ways.. and only gave him hurt, let him down. That media would still hog the news about how much of an undignified manner they can assume he died in. Entertainment? Wow. Since when did others' pain become entertainment?
Skin graft. Plastic surgery. Artificially conceived children. Mental instability. Paedophilia. Debts. And now after death, Debts. Drug abuse. Money, money, money. So many accusations, hurled at one person. Right, and how can they prove that paedophilia really took place? I bet the boy and his dad, mum, were lying. They could get lots of money out of it. Who wouldn't become mentally unstable, when the very thing they'd worked for their whole life, fame, tried to make them a horror, a villain at every turn?
39 charities and whole of sale profits from single hits gone straight to donation: these are things many of us wouldn't have the heart to do. Writing impactful lyrics about the troubles the earth and its people face- that's not something many of us can even do! Always seeking to cause awareness toward good causes through songs. How many artistes do that? Too many are busy whining about their own lives to bother.
I don't care if my arguments are weak. I still believe he was a good man. And he doesn't deserve to go this soon. He was only fifty for God's sake.
I keep thinking about his beloved Neverland. How he must have built it in an attempt to regain his childhood which he'd lost to the media at such a tender age. How he loved kids. The only star whom the whole wide world would mourn.. In every country, every state.
The world has lost a great person, a true artist and entertainer by being selfish, greedy, cruel, they never thought back to all his good deeds and the fact that he's also human. Plastic surgery or none, paedophilia or none, he was still human. They dragged him down so cruelly, it hurts even me.
So, protecting his children's identities by trying not to show their faces deserves criticism? Do the kids deserve to be bullied because "wacko jacko" is their father? Oh yes. To media which relishes the fact that Paris Hilton's ex boyfriend released a sex tape of theirs, such an act of protection would deserve criticism.
It's selfish of me to want him to come back, for wanting the news to turn around and say, "It's a fucking miracle! His heart started beating again!" Or even "A vampire mafia group took Jackson back to their hideout, where apparently he was made into a vampire and is rapidly healing. Scheduled tours will be happening." The truth is that even though he doesn't deserve to go so soon, he'll be happier anywhere than planet earth.
So many people.. Just imagine, so many millions.. who'd turned around and called him crazy, a wacko? We can't even take criticism from one person. How much it must have hurt to have all the fans you loved to turn against you? Feeling helpless, all your belongings taken away, the whole world had let you down.. For people who throw words at jackson, I want them to imagine this scenario in their lives.
You've forgotten the millions he'd given away when he was well, didn't you? You forgot how you screamed his name because you loved him so badly.. You didn't know it then but he was like a father figure to you.. and you forgot that.. Instead all you remembered was the accusations people blindly hurled against him.
Well, good luck now, he's gone. You'll probably rejoice. Because there won't be anymore haping about child molestation. There won't be any need for you to curse that he's coming to your country. You'll never see that broken man,with a world of burden on his shoulders, going into a courtroom, beaten by the world, again. You'll never experience the magic and energy that he gives out when he's onstage. You'll never see him visting poorer countries or singing about making the world a better place. You'll never have to imitate his dance moves that you so loved.
You'll smile and be relieved, but deep inside you'll feel the emptiness and the loneliness. He's gone. Truly and forever. This really is it. No matter how you deny, you lost someone dear to you. It's a void no one will be able to replace.
As a last plea.. Please let him go with dignity.. Let him go, don't hold him back. Argue about money after he's in the ground.. please.
Michael, wherever you are.. In my faith I know you'll be back. Or in your faith, stay with God. Though we love you and miss you, we don't have the rights to break you any further.
The world misses you dearly.
- Mood: sad
You, always you. Every minute, every second, every day and in the nightly dreams. You, you, you. I visualise us laughing together. Of us talking our hearts out. Of me cooking for you. Of you waiting for me. Of us sharing that look of understanding. Of us holding hands. Of us staring into each others' eyes. Of us being enraptured with each other. Of you touching me, over my eyelids, and my lips. Of us kissing. Of us making love. Of us sharing a life together and being there for each other.
It may be something else to you: Maybe you think that the 'mature' way to handle things is to not be obvious about how you feel about someone and waiting for someone to come to you. But if everyone thought that, then who would actually be revealing that love?
It's obvious because it's you and me. It's obvious because of millions of people, you are the one special to me. It's obvious because i can't hide it, it's wrong to hide it, it's wrong to undermine, resist or ignore it. God gave me this ability to feel this way and i feel this way for you, it's not wrong at all.
Oh yes, it may be an ego boost to have someone who likes you. It may be funny to be teased. But what may be a joke to you is something very important to me. It hurts when you laugh at something that means so much to me.
Have you ever wondered why we met? Why we are complete opposites? Why i felt familiar to you? Why you were instantly attracted? Why you can't look away? Why our IC numbers are so familiar it's scary? Why we were born in the same hour but day and night, ten years apart?
I do. All the time.
I'm not going to force you and i may not even reveal to you what i feel, but i will wait. I will wait and believe, and i believe that once you feel the exact way about me, the same God who brought me to you, will bring you to me.
I love you.
She had been facing alot of un-answerable questions lately, ranging from, "what shall i do this afternoon?" to "what is happening in my life?"
And it still didn't feel like she had managed to get any answers.
If her soul was really a wise, travelled and learned one, it would have figured out meanings for her, wouldn't it? It would tell her that God is the clue.. That everytime your beloved hurts you and you, being unable to make anyone in the world understand the agony completely as you actually feel it, turn to God in the Hope that He, being the almighty and the omnipotent, Being the Father, the Mother and the Friend, would be able to understand exactly how you feel.. And that is the very clue through which our souls learn that none is real, all are illusions, except for God. Only God is real and only Love felt for God is pure and real.
"well, yes, you're right, my dear friend," she thought. All that was mentioned was after all, what her friend, another wise soul, had told her. The difference between her and her friend was that while her friend was able to accept God as the real deal, she was still hankering after love, trying to figure out its true meanings.
Was love's meaning to let go?
Was it to give and sacrifice?
Was it to take and receive while it lasts, because not many people make us feel special in that special way?
Or was it to view the person we are in love with, as a part of God and learn to love him as we would love God?
Which way to love? How pure is love?
She also wondered how big a part sex played in love. Was it just physical manipulation, twisting, turning, arriving at pleasure, and then going forth and finding another 'love'?
She had always viewed making love as an alternate way to show love. The joining being a pleasure of the soul, not just the body.
Not many people thought of it the same way.
But sex wasn't her concern right then. True, she yearned to feel him in a way no one else would. Of course, she was different, her soul was different, and it would be different for the husband and wife to come together again after all these years in solitude and separation. It would be like no other. Her mind drifted to him, and she wondered if some of the times when she felt that aching need for him, was it desire on his part, passed on to her through his vibrations? Did he need her too, and send her those vibes? She guessed she would never know.. Unless they do come together one day and feel completion in being joined together.
She felt utter confusion at all of her jumping thoughts. She wanted to know: Did she want him? Did he want her? Yes she wanted him, so much that her whole body ached when she racked with sobs coming from deep within her heart's and soul's recesses, just for that one little time he had 'ignored' her. How much that hurt.
Her airy moon hated that. You're supposed to drift away when it hurts, it seemed to say. Why in the world are you holding on knowing it would hurt terribly?
She had no answer for that. When she was younger, she loved the feeling of melancholy. She loved to be in love, and then realise that it was never going to happen and weep and act like a martyr for her lost love which the other party never knew.
Now she couldn't stand crying, she couldn't cry for more than half an hour the most, and she couldn't cry more than the few tears her eyes were willing to shed. Which was in fact why, when this man entered her life and made her cry over him within days of meeting him, over nothing but a moment of ignorance, for hours and hours without explanation, she had been shocked and felt like her life had been shaken up.
This anonymous man who loved her deep inside, but was bound; bound by age, by religion, by culture and by love. This man whose love had come to her, past time and space, age and race.
She was not going to let go of this love in this lifetime.
She was going to love him, no matter how he treated her. And this love would not make her weak. Instead, it would make her strong and teach her to stand up for her love.
And that was what love was going to be for her.. In this lifetime.
- Mood:
contemplative
I am really happy that I got a chance to spend Valentines Day near my sweet. (=
LOST IN YOUR EYES (Debbie Gibson)
I get lost, in your eyes
And I feel my spirits rise..
And soar like the wind ,
Is it love that I am in?
I get weak in a glance
Isn't this what's called romance?
And that's what I know
Cause when I'm lost
I can't let go..
I don't mind
Not knowing what I'm headed for
You can take me to the skies
It's like being lost in heaven
When (and) I'm lost in your eyes..
I just fell
Don't know why
Something is there
We can't deny
Ooh, when I first knew,
Was when I first looked at you..
And if I
Can't find my way,
If salvation
Seems miles away,
Oh, I'll be found
When I'm lost in your eyes
I get weak in a glance
Isn't this what's called romance ?
Oh, I'll be found
When I am lost
In your eyes.
I just fell for him, i get weak in a glance.. My Mr Square.
Love. You.
- Mood: hopeful
The black one refused to pose for me, or even look at the camera. Tee Hee. The white one, though, stood riveted at my phone.
Anyhow, what happened was for a couple of days, my brother and i took turns to feed the bunnies and put water for it, until we got the shock of our lives, when two days later there was another HUGE rabbit inside that freaking little cage!!! A cage which is not even big enough to house the litle bunnies. The next day, there were TWO MORE inside that cage. and no food ( there was no fucking place to put food inside that little cage) or water.
I took it as the last straw, and asked my colleague, Rabbit Lifeguard, for help regarding the rabbits. The five inside really broke my heart as they stared at me from that stupid little cage, and they were constantly fighting for food cuz for one, they have very fast and good digestive systems, and also there was power struggle inside that cage.
The strongest rabbit won the food. the smaller ones went hungry. RL came over one morning and transferred the two small bunnies into a smaller cage she uses for her hamsters. So now the three bigger ones had more space.
I fed them and brought them to sch, where apart from one neurotic teacher going, "It's okay, M, tease me, i'll just go up later and strangle your rabbits." and another going, "Rabbit stew is delicious,", my darlings didn't have any threats. In fact my colleagues loved them, and one of my colleagues even adopted them by the end of the day. I hope they're happy and safe now. (=
Back to the three bigger ones. Rabbit Lifeguard and I had called the SPCA with heavy hearts because the most probable thing that was going to happen would be them being put down cuz SPCA doesn't have any more space.
RL then called HRSS, and asked me to take care of the rest. I talked to the HRSS lady, who also said that they were running out of foster homes and there were many on the waiting list. of the three, one was black, looked exactly like the black bunny, one was grey and one was albino. The HRSS lady asked me if she could provide me with the set up and food, could I foster them for a while?
I thought back to one morning, when I was leaving for work, the three of them were trying to stand up to respond to my movement because they were hungry.. and they couldn't even stretch fully up because the fucking cage was so small.. That moment when i fed them vege and they ate it up hungrily, staring at me, wondering if they could trust me.. that minute when the grey one pushed away the food i offered and went to lie quietly by one corner, obviously sad.. and i remembered how i had instant tears in my eyes.
I thought of the wrath of my mum, who'd kill me.
I still said yes.
So now, there is a happy ending. Temporary one at least. The HRSS lady came over with some things like a cage, set up and food. So now this is how my balcony looks like.. And even though my mum constantly gets upset by all the poo and piss, I am happy to see this. (=
The grey one refused to come out of the blue poo bucket.. it probably thought that that is the only space it is entitled to. I had to catch it and put it outside.. then it put a few cautionary steps forward and started leaping around, hopfully in joy. I am happy to see them sleeping cuz they almost nvr slept when they were outside and cramped. Hope they know now that they're with ppl they can trust. (=
If anyone wants to adopt them, I am fine with it.. even though i love these sweeties. (=
- Mood:
sick
I'm tired and restless, unhappy too because I feel like there is something i haven't done yet. But haven't got around to figuring what i didn't do, cuz there is to much to keep track.
Right now yawning is what i feel like doing.
And some sleeping. No. Soulsearching.
Let it burn,
Between us the fire of recognition.
Passion and pride combatting
Parted by a thin veneer of silken water
Called care.
Will it scorch or cool
Our thirsty souls?
Let it shine,
Through the fire the diamond shimmer.
When you manage a glance
Through all that clutter
That look.
My soul waits to take flight with yours.
Great now my poetry is gone. The poetry has flown out of the mind of a romanticist. How dare the poetry do that? Just because Edumail is occupying a big part of the Romanticist's brain, it doesn't mean that the poetry can sneak out when the romanticist wasn't writing, right? Right?!
Am now applying my fiendish mind to my poetry's mysterious disappearance. Come to think of it, I wonder: how much of me is actually a fiend? Or a neurotic? I am sure i can blame my father for the neuroticism. No mama hath ever broken the neurotic disaster record of being a neurotic. The fiendish nature has to come from myself, because i am actually a closet fiend who doesn't dare to break rules, that's all.
Green tea does cool you down. which is weird since you are sitting in an air conditioned room, meena.
I wore the Bannister t-shirt to school today (bad move, i know. But in my defence, I am cheer teacher for blue house and that was the only comfy shirt i could find.) and everyone was saying, "oh you're from JJC!"
Older teachers: "Oh you're from JJC! My son/ daughter is studying there too!"
Younger teachers: "Oh you're from JJC! I was there too!/ I was there for first three months!"
Neurotic teacher (uh huh. I'm not the only one): "Oh you're from JJC! Eh. students are not allowed in the staffroom. And i wonder why some people wear the t-shirt without knowing who Bannister is!"
o_O
I also wanted to mention this really cute chinlay boy who captured my heart in one day(= if i ever have a son, i hope my son will be as cute as this little boy, who asked me if he can partner me instead of his classmate. *heartwarmed* <3
Mr Hardworking didn't appear much today, but that doesn't change the fact that i dream of him, day and night.
- Mood:
crazy
Dikalaku kesepian
Dihanyut ombak nan resah
kau mengubati kerinduan
Dikalaku keresahan
Dihanyut malam nan gelap
Kau menerangi hidupku
Kini Segalanya telah berubah
cintaku hanya memori indah
Ku ditinggalkan kesepian
Pilu hatiku
Kembalilah kepadaku
Selamilah jiwa ini yang terluka
Ikatan kita berdua
Sayangilah diri ini
Belailah jiwa nan sepi
Kelayuan...Dedaunan keguguran
Dahan nan kerapuhan
Bunga bunga cinta...layu dipusara
Hmmm...hmmm...
Dikalaku kerinduan
Dihembus angin nan pilu
Kutatapi wajah dirimu
Dikalaku keseorangan
Di hanyut asmara cinta
Kau membelai jiwaku ini
Kini Segalanya telah berubah
cintaku hanya memori indah
Ku ditinggalkan kesepian
Pilu hatiku
Kembalilah kepadaku
Selamilah jiwa ini yang terluka
Ikatan kita berdua
Sayangilah diri ini
Belailah jiwa nan sepi
Kelayuan...Dedaunan keguguran
Dahan nan kerapuhan
Bunga bunga cinta...layu dipusara
Hanya satu ku pinta oh darimu
Hargailah cinta kita oh..
Gelora menikam jiwa ini
Melanda di hati ini
Deraian cinta yang suci
Kembalilah kepadaku
Selamilah jiwa ini yang terluka
Ikatan kita berdua
Sayangilah diri ini
Belailah jiwa nan sepi
Kelayuan...Dedaunan keguguran
Dahan nan kerapuhan
Bunga bunga cinta...layu dipusara..
Well, maybe not 'layudipusara'.. still going strong. still going strong.
(=
- Mood:
anxious
Yours truly, on the other hand, looked ahead and locked eyes with someone, and for a minute, i actually thought one of my fantasies were about to come true. You know. About him trying to gather up all his belongings while everyone rushed out, and yours truly would rush to him and shake him hard enough for him to get it into his head that his life was in danger, and us being the last two to run out of the building, me conveniently (or somehow) wearing his jacket. (MUAHAHAHA)
Of course, school would be officially announced as closed for at least a week, and then he would drive me home, on account of my saving his life when he was busy being anally obsessive.
Then on the way he'd ask me why i stayed back to save his life, and i would say, "i don't see it any other way. If we were to die, i would want us to die together."
Then he'd think back on his being anal when it comes to Us, and we'd reconcile and live happily ever after. (Or every afternoon)
Now, thinking back on this fantasy, i seem to be the 'male' figure in this.
Which comes across as pretty annoying for a romantic.
I just don't get it, whenever we are about to engage in some sort of conversation, even pathetic Hi's and Bye's, there always HAS be someone to interrupt, and ALWAYS looking for ME, not Him. so i just have to ignore him while he walks away looking back again and again (don't ask me the reason, i don't want to assume) and i have to accept that i just buried the newborn convo. =(
I also must say something about last week, exactly a week ago. It was all normal. All the ignoring was going fine. I had just exited the room, and was coming back when i saw him walking past my desk.. lol.. and pausing, for about a millisecond, as if surprised to see me not there.
I caught all this with my own eye, even i was surprised that he had noticed that i wasn't there. i mean that short pause was pretty obvious.
And then he turned to his right, and saw me standing there. At which point he was in mid pause, so it looked like he was waiting for me. Then he got shocked, paused for another millisecond before looking down (malu malu kucing) and giving a little smile (with head downcast) and then stalked off.
I started giggling inside.
I mean, ok i understand, i wouldn't want to be caught by him at his desk pausing, but this was just too good not to laugh at.
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
and while i am typing this, he just swaggered by. *giggling starts again*
OH GOD. FUNNEH.
if every day went like this, i might get some hope.
As for the fire alarm, it was a bloody false one.
(=
- Mood:
surprised
Yesterday, December 4th, Hajar, Shida and I went out to have fun. And fun we did have.
The first awkward situation was when yours truly tried to enter the MRT. And as she was getting in, they announced the 'Doors are Closing' and she ran into the crowded cabin, pressed against ppl all over.
Okay. So the train started and i FELL on a middle aged caucasian who was standing behind me. FELL. The guy was laughing as i apologised, (I was also laughing) and luckily he said it was okay. And good to know that i amused the hell out of shida who was really enjoying herself, laughing away. Appropriate response will be 'BASKET!'
Anyhow, another incident comes to mind.. Since shida and i went to Vivo before meeting hajar, we had lunch and walked around a little, ending up a bit late for hajar. Poor girl, she called when we were on the train from Harbourfront. And she asked if we were reaching soon. I was dumbfounded, and (dunno what got into shida) she said, tell hajar yes we're reaching soon! i relayed that to hajar, who asked, where are you now? and as i asked shida what to do, she said, "tell hajar we're in cityhall" GOD. what a big lie. So we actually walked to orchard control station in fear of what she would say. I was trying to convince shida to tell hajar that we were forced to lie to hajar concerning her worry, as we didn't want her to worry about us, since we love her and BLAHBLAH.
Hajar forgave us.
Oh! and I tried sushi today!! actually not just sushi, i tried avocado and caviar for the first time! (they were toppings for the sushi, along with prawn)
Was not bad actually.
Anyhow, along the way, shida got stopped by 2 mats and a girl, (complete with cam and cue cards!!)
and the cutest of them told her they have to ask a few questions, survey.. So shida reluctantly agreed....
Qn: What do you call a male ballerina? (Sorry shida! had to talk abt it!)
Shida's ans: A gay?
interviewer: O_O;
So after she escaped from him, she was traumatised by her answer, and after hajar and i had our share of laughing at it, we tried to comfort her saying that the mat prolly understood that she misunderstood the qn. Poor shida!
after that and alot of teasing about bad photography skills, we were walking past a haagen dazs ice cream parlour, and i was looking at the LCD screen in the parlour that was portraying the ice cream's smoothness as a couple waltzing..
What happened was something like this.
Me: *looks at screen, mesmerized by dancing*
Hajar: ....OMG! LOOK!! Oh Shit..
Shida: Cute le! omg..
Me: *oblivious to their gushing, looks at dancing and goes* Wahhhhh...
Cute Guy tending to ice cream parlour: *catches my eye in mid "wah" and smiles*
Me: *widens eyes and shuts mouth. turns to girls.* What? what?! what's happening?!?!
Hajar: OMG CUTE GUY!!
Me: Where?!
Shida: the one in the ice cream parlour!!
Me: with a white cap?
Hajar: Yess!! OMGG
Shida & Hajar: *gushing*
Me: *thinks* Omg.. that cute guy actually caught me with my mouth wide open.. prolly thought i was saying "wah" at him!!
EMBARRASSED.
so I tried to get hajar to go ask for his number on shida's behalf, but hajar said she wasn't thick skinned enough. Oh well.
aft that we went to Lau Pasat for dinner and then made our way home. (=
I NEED MY PRIDE!! speaking of which,
This image makes me feel weird. Like familiar. God.SO.
To me. (=- Mood: bored
Dream:
They sat, silent, on the beach, watching the Sun set. Too bad he was not the romantic kind, he mused to himself. He watched her take in the surroundings with a deep breath.
"I thought this would never happen," she said, smiling at the sea.
"Well, trust me, neither did I," he contributed. "But then, I used to be sensible. Now I am not."
"Dude, shut up," she said, laughing at him. His sense of humour was whacked. They could never identify with each other. While she had a problem starting her humour, he had trouble finishing it up. Mostly he'd shut up after two sentences full of his own dry sense of humour because he did not know how to end it.
"I don't think you were ever sensible. I mean, is there one day you've not walked right into a wall or a door?" she asked.
"... No la.."
There. His trademark remark. She sighed, and thought to herself, how are we compatible? How did we end up here?
She finally closed her eyes as the sun went to sleep, and stars started to sprinkle themselves across the sky.
"It feels so good to feel the breeze in my hair, so gentle," she said with her eyes closed.
He watched her, as she sat on the sand with her arms wrapped around her knees, the wind playing gently with her hair and the moonlight lighting up her face. Suddenly everything froze, and he frowned in confusion -- until he realised that only he felt that way.
The Boom of love.
"M.."
"Hmm?" she responded and started to open her eyes.
"No! Don't open your eyes, M."
"Okay. What is it?"
He put his hand on her cheek. "Can I kiss you?"
Her eyelids fluttered open with slight frown.. And she saw his face, so close to hers that his breath mingled with her own and warmed her lips, his eyes intensely staring down at hers.
"Yes," she smiled, and closed her eyes.
And as his lips touched hers, they both felt that irresistable pull from deep inside. The pull that proved their love. That pull, which told her that she was his, and always will be.
"I love you," he said.
- Mood: hopeful
To miss you,
Is to need a few last saving breaths.
To see you?
The waves finally reaching shores.
To love you..
Is never getting my heart back,
Same again.
Even little moments,
They are like jewels..
When they’re spent with you.
Each smile so blinding,
Blinding me.
Then comes emptiness,
A void unfulfillable.
Knowing that you are there,
But unable to see,
Me.
Pain would never be more pleasurable,
If you’re the cause,
The very next day,
When you make me smile.
Would one word hurt,
Could one look spurt
Hate or Love?
Hope and Faith, love,
Hope and faith.
It’s a circle we go through, hide and seek. You seek you, I hide me.
Then we come out and call it off, it’s so ridiculous isn’t it? To run away from something which may not even be there?
Then you hide you, leaving me to seek me, and that’s when it would hurt as the doubts come in.
All these games that we play,
All these looks we share,
All this feelings we go through,
Could they be accounting for something?
OOPS! Time’s up. I am going to hide now.
(:
- Mood:
weird
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes,
Always perseveres."
True enough.. And isn't that how God loves us too?
The person we love, must, in some way, remind us of God. God sends people down to earth, makes them meet, and makes them feel this irresistably strong pull toward each other for no particular reason, with this in mind.
When we love someone, we love them in the name of God. We love God through this person and that is why God wants us to love in the first place.
I revel in your sensations, your essence, your fleeting touches, your gazes and your presence.
I'll always protect, and always trust you.
I'll always hope and I'll always persevere for you.
We attract people to us who are on the same wavelength and frequency as us.. We often need these people in a soul-based level, for us to learn new things. Every one you meet, you meet for a reason, it is all planned. We think we are wise, we think we are good. Basically all of us feel that we are all very matured in the ways of the world and can survive strongly on our own. It is not true. No matter how simple, each one of us needs someone.
We are not geniuses. We are not wise. We often forget that there is someone above who knows more, who knows everything, and is always looking out for us.
So i know i was sent to you, you were sent to my life, that's why you opened your mouth. And i think i am learning alot from you.. I know you'll push me to God to find the answers to all these riddles and stupid games we play.
I miss you right now, and it felt like i wrapped you around my heart as i held your jacket close.
Can we make this last forever?
- Mood: indescribable
I am taking it as you're giving me answers to questions I've been asking for a long time..
It is hard to believe.. Maybe it is not even possible.. But who am I to say that, when You are the One who decides everything that happens, when You are the Universe and Everything Beyond It, Everything Within Us and Everything Omnipotent..
So there's a reason that I see him everytime I look up?
Why I can't look away?
Why every minute takes a lifetime when we look?
Why I drown in his eyes?
Now all I pray for, is for You to show me more clearly, Tell me in my ear, What You'd have me do. I believe, God, I believe.
How do i love thee? Let me count the ways
I love thee to the dept and breath and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Beeing an ideal Grace
I Love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old grief’s, and with my childhood’s faith
I love thee with a love i seemed to lose
With my lost saints-I Love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears of all my life!-and if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
-Elizabeth Barret-
Sometimes when twinsouls look into eachothers eyes they cant sustain the intesity of the depth of the feeling.
- Mood: enthralled
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